day 117: you’re so heavy

It’s coming, that “year” mark. One year ago today, bean was “due.” We were so incredibly excited to meet him on the outside. I was nervous, not for birth itself but for the fact that he would be separate, he would be his own; he would need so much help, and I wanted to give him the best. I wasn’t convinced I could. I didn’t think my best was the best, I didn’t think it was enough.

But he was stuck with me. He is stuck with me. 

Almost a year. I’m so happy for him, so blessed in him. But my joy is so dense, and it is so very limitless, that it threatens me. It’s so heavy, I’m almost smooshed. There’s so much of it that I find it trickling down my cheeks, escaping in the form of tears.

My child, my baby, my sweet little bean: you are your own. 

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