day 79: when I’m alone

To continue this soul-bearing series, the bubbles of evil that surround me are just that: bubbles. They only occur when I’m alone. Rather, they occur when bean isn’t around. He seems to be my blinders. When I’m with him, when I’m taking care of him, that’s what I do and I don’t worry about the flab that hangs over my waistband.

I had no idea motherhood would change me so. I was convinced I had to change in order to be a mother. That’s true, and I will always strive to be a better person, but bean came along and just seems to let me be a better person without the tears and anger that usually accompany the process of getting there.

Why? How? Well, first I have to thank A for even making our beautiful relationship possible. If I were at work or school I would be crushed by guilt, so much so that I know it would pervade every moment, even those I did share with bean. His support throughout my short stint in motherhood is invaluable. Without him I would not have been able to survive my career crisis which coincided with pregnancy, I would not have been able to deliver at the birth center (a partner is required and I don’t feel comfortable with anyone else), I wouldn’t have conceived (bean wouldn’t be here at all,) and I would not have been able to breastfeed. This last (just the last listed; A’s support transcends numerical count) has altered the physiology of my brain. According to Kim et al. (2011), “breastfeeding mothers show greater activations in the superior frontal gyrus, insula, precuneus, striatum, and amygdalia while listening to their own baby cry…” These regions are responsible for empathy. 


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