day 20: stress

Miraculously, all symptoms of wear disappeared as I exited the gated building which had been the setting for all my fears and trepidations and drove the short seven minutes home. The sore throat, the aches and pains, the burning eyes, the nagging headache: gone! I believe I stressed myself into illness.

The first half of the interview was just fine. I am not excited about it in any way other than that it is over. Is there cause for excitement? Sure! The people are very nice. There are people there who are much smarter than me, and seem to care greatly about what they do. Several are outspoken, but not precociously so. Most have PhDs. Most are quite friendly. So, really, there’s lots to excite. But I was most anxious to get home and now I am simply happy to be home.

bean is having a teething moment I think. We were up all night and “fussy” is a kind term. I have not been the best mom. Yet another fall, on my sleepy watch. And though I lay next to him, I did not rock him or sway him as he cried through the hours. Indeed, it seems I failed as his mom when he needed me most.

Today is the last day of interviews and life will be back to our blessed normal, at least for a time. I am coming to realize that there will be plenty of time to have a “career,” later, if I want or need one. I certainly don’t want one now, and am becoming less and less convinced that I need one. Bean is changing, growing, and I am loathe to miss one second of it. And I want to be a good mom while being there.

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