day 350: living expenses

I live a very expensive life. These days my funds appear to be just under sufficient.

Indeed they are not even my funds: they are ours. A noncontributor, I am only able to share, not appropriate, gold and all its paper representation. Therein lies my dilemma.

When I wish to buy an object for the sole purpose of placing it in a box, wrapping it with care, tying a bow and arranging it under a tree, I cannot freely do so. When I search for what will make a loved one smile and I finally find it, I cannot get it. When I wish to travel to family or friends or adventure, I cannot buy the flight, I cannot reserve the hotel, I cannot make the trek.

These are important to my melodramatic heart, but frivolous when compared to those big desires, those big wants, those things which seem to so many to be needs: a bigger house for the bean, a four-door car for A, a sense of stability and the freedom of the rich. These last two are mindsets neither money nor no money can provide, but at times like these the surface appearance of comfort which financial security offers is highly desirable.

And then the small, terribly selfish comforts: with the bean sprouting inside, things don’t quite fit right. The only underwear I have which doesn’t press so hard it cuts my skin costs half a benjamin. It would make sense to invest since they grow and shrink with the wearer and will “last a lifetime!” but gosh what cash for something so small and so hidden and so mine. Other expenses for looking presentable: outer clothes that fit, haircare products for my oily scalp and dry ends, makeup for my I’m-not-fourteen-anymore-and-it’s-time-to-accept-it-face, those little things that make me look like a real human being who belongs in society all add up. They were things that, until a month ago, I did not find particularly important, much less necessary. But it seems they are.

And what of the expenses not centered about cash? What of life drained by the stress, the insecurities, the doubt, the fear, the confusion, the resentment, the suspicions, the judgement, the darkness?


I’ve become a moocher in money. I must not become a moocher in soul.




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