Today’s 1600 lulu start turned into a 1500 lulu start, and my work computer was left at home at 0600 this morning. The day has certainly had its fair share of twists and turns, with a couple of tears along the way.
I realized my first forgetful mistake as I parked my car after my hour-long commute. Luckily my day did not fail in productivity; administrivia was tended and deadlines were met. Unfortunately I must return to the office tomorrow to check my slow email and recover weekday sensibilities.
I returned home earlier than expected to tighten up analysis code, but these intentions flew out of the window when I confirmed my lulu shift began at 1500 instead of 1600 as stated in my on-boarding email. So my plan to kiss A goodbye flew out the window and off u ran to catch a bus. Now on the metro, I wish the kid behind me would observe the “no audio/video without headphones” rule. I’ll make it in plenty of time, so aside from the tears shed at the unexpectedly shortened home-time, I am none the worse for wear.
Next station is mine.
My dear husband and sweet pup picked up me and the bean from the store tonight. I have much to think about, folks. I’ve been really good at doing too much for all my life. At least since senior year in highschool, right dad?
But is it worth it this time? I’m part of a family now, where I’m the wife and the mom. I’ve put them through so much already. Is this another “too much?” When asked, A acknowledged the difficulties but said it was ultimately up to me.
This is what makes it so hard: being treated like an adult. I delayed this gnarly feeling of quitting for a couple of weeks because I was told what to do: “be sensible, take the office job offered to you.” “You don’t want to be selling black stretchy pants and on your feet all day.” “What the hell are you thinking?” So of course I obeyed and did the sensible thing, but then I also made my stubborn way work: I envisioned a future, a life we’d like to lead, and was convinced this was a stepping stone. Now my obstinate head and fairytale premonitions meet the reality of a 24 hour day and, more pressing, my heart which longs to support these wonderful and undeserved blessings now now now. Should I quit?
It’s the third time this week A has gone to bed before me. Little boomer’s beard is still unkempt. I’ve fallen behind at my day job and am skipping class on Saturday. I’ve only been to Trident once this week. Such is my life at this junction. All I think I can do is pray. That’s all that’s left to do.
Sometimes it’s hard to not be able to do as your told, or not be able to not do as your told, or both. When I’m the one expected to do the telling, I just can’t find the words.