day 216: identity crisis

The name of my blog does not capture the exothermic energy of my adventurous life. It is static, passive, only looking, noticing from its anonymous perch.

Dawn points, and another day
Prepares for heat and silence. Out at sea the dawn wind
Wrinkles and slides. I am here
Or there, or elsewhere. In my beginning.

— T.S. Eliot, from East Coker

I was searching for where I was: here, there? I was searching for who I was.

And the name, dawn points, was fitting. I observed myself. I transcribed my thoughts. I criticized my interface and interactions. I perturbed the world about me. My spirit, my body, and my understanding of others: these were my subjects of inspection, these my mysteries to unravel.

But in this unraveling I’ve changed. This record has changed. No longer is it a series of odes to what has been or what should be. Nary will you find a wretched outburst at my thoughts, my character, my appearance, myself. Despair has fled. And I, having observed, now live.

I fling off Schrödinger’s cloak, hopelessly entangled in suspended possibilities. I am the cat. I am alive. I am dead. I am alive.

Have I found myself? Once the focus of my reasoning, the question is now but a dust mote; admired for a moment when the sun is just so.

I am not trying to find myself. I am becoming myself.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

–J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Thusly, in the coming weeks I shall name my blog anew. Redirections will be simple. The journey continues.

wod: 200m run between each: 1 snatch, 10 kb swings, 2 snatches, 20 kb swings, 3 snatches, 20 kb swings, 2 snatches, 10 kb swings, 1 snatch. #70 snatches, #35 kb swings, finished in 14:30.

mcat: acids and bases




2 thoughts on “day 216: identity crisis

  1. I had a recent conversation with someone who asked “what are you doing with your life?!” I answered “I am becoming”. “Becoming what?” I replied “I know, it’s so exciting!” Your post today made me think you would understand.

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