day 194: the day A stayed home

A usually hustles at the gym on weekend mornings and afternoons, so Boom and I generally plan our days around chores, studying, and naps. And saying hi to God.

Today was different. Today, A stayed home.

Sometimes it feels like I get to meet him all over again. Most days he’s blurry because he’s moving so fast. But today he was still, he looked me in my eyes and saw a heart swirled with trouble and joy like vanilla and chocolate in a soft-serve cone.

A woman means by Unselfishness chiefly taking trouble for others; a man means not giving trouble to others…thus, while the woman thinks of doing good offices and the man of respecting other people’s rights, each sex, without any obvious unreason, can and does regard the other as radically selfish.
— C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

I feel bad because I can’t help a brother out and be a good partner at the same time. My role as a sister and my role as a wife are at odds. This morning I awoke and I let the devil in the door…I began to compare and to tally. I counted the number of times I’d gone out if my way, indeed stepped outside of my principles, for the sake of my adopted family and my husband’s peace of mind. And my sadness turned into anger. I remembered how he’d complained to his-best-friend-that-wasnt-me that I wasn’t making an effort, after all he’d done for me. And my anger turned into hurt.

The devil knows where to hit me.


But God brought A into my life as my helper and companion. I was too embarrassed to explain what I was battling, but nonetheless he knew how to steady the weight overhead.

With sunflowers and a smile and a summer day outside, he helped me fall in love with him all over again. It’s hard work to love someone day after day. But it’s worth it, every second.

And I’m glad for every second A stayed home today.



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