day 56: iron jaw

Though I was terribly busy “finding myself” this past weekend, I took some time to throw off my wimpy excuses and enjoy myself.

On Friday night I arrived at my hospital shift an hour early with nothing to do. I found my butter london fairy cake nail polish in my bookbag and so sprinkled a little bit of pixie dust on my fingers, glittering my nails with wishes to pull me through the long hours facing me.

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The polish did the trick; I was A&O until 0530 Saturday morning, and safely drove home along slick pre-dawn roads. I showered the ER filth off of me then tucked myself under the covers. At 1000 I gave my all to crawl out of bed but the four hours of rest I’d slumbered away hadn’t wiped out the 25 hours of wakefulness that preceded it. So, I collapsed back onto the mattress, all the wearier with guilt for missing Oly. Rick had scheduled a fun one: 80% snatch and 80% clean and jerk, every minute on the minute, ten minutes each. I’d like to think I dreamed about (and crushed) it. I can’t remember though.

I was conscious again at 1400, at which point I drove A to his coach’s party. My pride mounted as the miles ticked. He’s a great coach, and an even better person.

After leaving the driving range, I headed to Whole Foods for the activity that relaxes me most: grocery shopping. I wandered the aisles for a good hour and a half. I could not even remember the time pass, but it must have slipped away somewhere between the kale and the cream. I knew I was still tired when I could not understand what the cashier was saying. He had to ask me to sign about three times, and only then did my mind make sense of the first time he asked. Oh the silly things a night’s sleep lost can do.

The boom and I made barbeque turkey (cheaper than chicken) then headed off again to get A.

I then watched the Shawshank Redemption. Commercials and all. I think I was too tired, and maybe too stubborn, to turn it off. In any case, I got back to bed at midnight.

The next day I woke up a bit earlier and we went to NorthSide.

Aby left for deep tissue work, errands, and cleaning, so the boom and I walked to the dog park (see yesterday.) Bathtime commenced upon our return. Then the requisite nap.

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Then, meeting and forms (yuck.) But to close the evening, we watched Rowdy Ronda Rousey. She broke the choke and barred the arrrrrrrm. (I tried so hard to make it rhyme. It rhymed in my mind.)

Yesterday, we ran around like chickens. NorthSide; USPS; Trident; printer; Social Security office; Whole Foods (forgot boom’s carrots); BeanGood (bad coffee): NorthSide; until we settled down at home. A and I were partners during the WOD: 3 five minute AMRAPs

1. 200 m Sandbag run/continuous flutter kicks

2. 150 m row/15 slam balls

3. 10 single-armed kb overhead squats/10 pullups (ring rows for me)

I worked so hard and it was grand to slap hands as we finished each round. My favorite was how A winked at me when Bruce Lee told us each to grab a super-friend. He sauntered over like I was (a) his and (b) the only person he’d ever want. I usually feel I’m wearing an invisible-to-A-cloak around the gym and am never at ease asking him to be my partner; I don’t want to hold him back physically or socially. His display of camaraderie and affection nudged my heart into a smile.

On our last car-ride home (it might have been the second-to-last, to NorthSide…I can’t quite remember) I admitted to being a donkey all day. A said I never did apologize. I retorted that he always told me to stop saying I was sorry. He clarified and explained that I never apologize for things that are actually my fault.

Also, trying to rationalize and begin to forgive myself for (and thus move on from) my donkey-ness, I stated I was “sorry but usually I was pretty nice, wasn’t I? Everybody has bad days…” The last part is true. But A was hesitant to agree with the first part.

Twice I asked for affirmation. Twice I was denied. It takes an iron jaw to eat jabs like these. But I know it’s for the best.

Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness. — C.S. Lewis

 


 

BTIW:

1. I responded to incoming emails quickly

2. I cheesed after CrossFit

3. I wrote substantial posts back-to-back

4. I focused on the good times.

5. I found a mathematical argument for always giving my best

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One thought on “day 56: iron jaw

  1. Pingback: day 364: roundup | snatching zion

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