I poured hydrogen peroxide over my wounds with no grumbles, no tears, and no help. Four times.
I’ve never felt more like a grown-up.
These past two years,* or perhaps three,** hell maybe even seven,*** my maturity has slipped through my hands like fine Hawaiian sand. An unattractive juxtaposition of stubborn righteousness and wimpy indecisiveness, my thoughts and actions trend toward childishness (and other shameful “-ness”es). From my marriage, to the too-common attitude of disdain and despair I adopt toward my job, to spending my free-time web-browsing as opposed to chasing more worthwhile pursuits, I spend more time being a person I do not particularly care for than I do being whom I want to be.
I believe my mistake is confusing “do”-ing with “be”-ing. I keep envying other bloggers’ lives (the paleo crossfitters, the farmers, the hunters,) hurling myself as far away from my job as I can get. Just so, I spent most of the preparations for our wedding resenting our final decision to have a large expensive affair, catering to others’ expectations but so little of what I (but not we) felt was right in my gut and in my dreams. I keep trying to change the setting of my story, I keep trying to “do” something different, I keep searching for a way to “do” what I want to do. But I am losing who I want to “be” in the process. I think once I start being who I want to be, it will be easier to find a way to do what I want to do.
In the meantime, when I am itching to do something, I’ll stick to things that are difficult but straightforward, like pouring hydrogen peroxide on my wounds. Or doing 75 snatches. Or being nice to people I really can’t stand. Or even swif-ing the floors :) Then I’ll carry on with being a good person in this strange stage of life called becoming a grown-up.
Cheers to being an adult: to living with all childlike wonder, without a hint a childish whining.
*since I left the golden dome, the dining hall, my physics room, and Saturdays with CFD
**marking my return from Oxford, my first real job, and the first days with Aby
***I’ve never felt more wise, more grounded, more whole than when surfing at dawn